it's time again to revive this blog. I need an outlet, I need an ear and it's cheaper than therapy.
I've been searching lately for answers about living in this world, about what role I want to take and how involved or not I want to be with the current establishment. There are so many things I disagree with, so many ways in which I think we are disconnected from life itself, from the world around us, from the breathing beings who accompany us on our journey. But I don't want to be bitter; I don't want to hate others or how things are. I also don't think I want to live in constant protest-mode or elude myself into thinking I can make a greater difference. I know I can make a difference for myself and my immediate peeps, but probably not much else. Today I heard on the radio that by 2070 the earth temp will have risen by 4 degrees on average (over 10 degrees in many places). Clover will probably (hopefully?) still be here. So I should go out and campaign for alternative energy? More electric cars? Less big screens numbing our brains? What will make a difference? Cursing under my breath at SUV drivers WON'T, I know that much.
I am also struggling with what might or might not be a contrast/contradiction: living life to its fullest and building a responsible life. I want to lose myself in music, in rain showers, in unbridled passion, in food that's too good to be completely healthy, in moments of pure bliss, uncontrolled laughter and ridiculous dancing. I want to live life like I only have a year left, or like my kid or husband only has a year left. But I know this ain't the way it works -- it's human nature to want to live for the moment but to be hardwired to do otherwise (OK, maybe for many others it's just the opposite, but I am the responsible, good girl with a head on her shoulders type, unfortunately or not). What would I do if given a year to live? Would I continue to work too much, miss my baby all day, bicker about E's driving and worry about being a messy spouse? Would I go near the ocean, the mountains, around the world, or just back home? (And where is home anyway?) What rules would I break?
I need more balance. I've always been too good, too well behaved, and now here I am. Gainfully (overly) employed, married with a kid, the chair of some division in a professional organization, a board member of another (!!!), healthy, with no major losses and relatively happy. Very blessed by what life has given me and not inclined to believe in a single god (but cada vez mais in a higher order, a divine presence in the universe). And so what? Is it a sophomoric question to ponder the "one year left" scenario? Or here's another question: is this what I want? Is this my role in life, in this huge universe circling and swirling in who knows what direction or context? (For the record: I am way too young to be having a midlife crisis.)
I think I need more of the type of experience that E is trying so hard to define for his comps: the inexplicable, indescribable, butt-kicking and heart-jumping moments that make us feel alive, pulsating, and far removed from any known reality. The ones that make us stop in our tracks, in which we have to remember to breathe. Music often does this for me, but the trick is that you cannot try; you cannot run after these moments. You can go and grab them; you need to be open to them, with all your being, but you can't seek them out directly. Or maybe I just don't know how.
